I am who I am

As I was going through our Judge Business School news I came across this article ‘these bodies are beautiful at every size’ regarding glamour magazine starting to work with all types of models in all shapes, sizes and colors. This link was in our JBS news as an alum who is studying for his phd on ‘how women in the US, Canada and the UK respond to advertising images’ was also quoted in the article. He also runs a modeling agency for women of all shapes and sizes. http://www.benbarry.com/ I really like the tag line ‘every woman is a real woman’.

I’m very glad to hear about all these initiatives, as I think one of the biggest issues almost all of us have is this body image issue… and only seeing perfect airbrushed women on magazines and TV doesn’t help in self confidence… so I think seeing more and more campaigns with real women would help boost the self image of everyone…

After all we all age, and beauty is a temporary thing, so I think its important not to base our whole self worth on it... This also reminded me of the famous book Picture of Dorian Grey by Oscar Wild about the hansom youth who gets a portrait of himself painted and sells his soul in order to look like the picture forever, young and hansom, while the painting withered and aged… so as time went by and he lived a sinful life his picture got more and more disfigured, but his face remained perfect… In the end, Dorian decides to kill his sins and his past by destroying the portrait, but in doing so he kills himself instead.

Ofcourse I think we should all try to look our best, men and women both, and make the most of what we have and be healthy, but there are certain attributes that cannot be changed such as height, body shape, colour and so on… so we just have to learn to be happy with what we have and who we are… that’s true self confidence…. To be able to go out into the world saying ‘I am who I am’ with your head held high…

Circle of Life

After over a year away, I decided to visit my second (now my third!) home Cambridge, to catch up my old friends last weekend. I found the experience very different when going back on a vacation while earning compared to the starving student experience! It was wonderful meeting my old friends who were still in Cambridge, some continuing their phds while others working. Just thought of including a few pics here.

I even managed to squeeze in a performance of the Lion King at the west end during very short visit of 4 days (next time it will be atleast a week!). The Lion King was simply amazing (or brilliant as the Brits say). I loved the costumes the music, the singing and the dancing! From a distance, you could barely see the people acting, but the animals, and their movement was so graceful and fluid it really felt like being in a jungle. This is a clip of one of my favorite songs, you can see the way they have depicted the animals, they look real! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=utq8oft7btQ&NR=1

I also loved the theme of Circle of Life… How we are all part of the one circle of life, and how we have to take care of each other in order to take care of ourselves…King Mufasa, gives his son some really good advice “Everything you see exists together in a delicate balance. As king, you need to understand that balance and respect all the creatures, from the crawling ant to the leaping antelope.”

I guess if we humans respected and lived according to this advice from the beginning we wouldn’t be having Global Warming, or the fear of extinction of some animals, or fossil fuel shortages. I think that now it’s time to respect the nature and remember that we’re all part of a delicate balance. Of course we need to use energy and fuels, and water, and all other resources, but what’s important is to use them sustainably, and to avoid wastage, and hopefully our children will still have a world to live in… This reminded me of the famous letter by Chief Seattle and would like to finish this post with his words…

This we know: The earth does not belong to man, man belongs to the earth. All things are connected like the blood which unites us all. Man did not weave the web of life, he is merely a strand in it. Whatever he does to the web, he does to himself.

Speak Up!

According to many studies, the one thing that is feared more than death is ‘Public Speaking’! I can say that it was true for me for a very long time, and is something I have been working on getting over for many years now... when I say public speaking I don’t fear prepared presentations or even acting, as long as it has been prepared and practiced… What freaks me out, is having to talk impromptu. Doesn't have to be at a larget gathering, but even asking questions or giving my opinion in front of a group of strangers can be scarry... Scared that people will think that my question is stupid, scared that what I say was too obvious, scared of being laughed at…

While in SL both in school and uni, I didn’t feel this fear much, as people in general don’t ask questions or comment in lectures much. But it struck me hard in Cambridge, when everyone else was speaking over the others and I was too scared to say a word. You may remember one of my earlier posts ‘finding my voice’ one of the first steps towards getting over this fear.

I'm happy to say that I have come a long way since then...still speaking up in public is not second nature to me, but by forcing myself to speak at meetings, to speak up at gatherings when I have an opinion and by volunteering at improv, it has become easier.

Another thing I've noticed when I observe people at meetings and presentations is that often even the leaders the outspoken people still seem to have a fear of public speaking. Recently I was sitting very close to some of the main speakers at a meeting and I noticed, slight hand tremors (barely visible) when one of them was speaking, and I've observed similar instances with other speakers too…so maybe many self confidant people too have some apprehension and nervousness when speaking in public, not just me…so I've learnt the key is to speak in spite of the fear, not to let the fear paralyze you.

After all, if you were invited to a meeting or gathering, that was because your point counts, so you should not deprive others of that valuable input!

Return to Childhood

"What do you want to be when you grow up?" is a question I’ve heard many, many times as a kid. For as long as I can remember, I’ve been always planning for the future… Always thinking about moving to the next stage of life…from school to work and so on…

It’s also been driven by practicality, not about dreams or what I would like to be, but more about, what type of job would be practical, what would help me earn enough money, give me recognition? Of course it’s essential that we’re practical after all, where would our dreams be if we were hungry? At the same time it’s sad when we sacrifice all our dreams for practicality, after all work is where we spend more than half of our lives, so why do many people work in areas which they despise just for that money or security? Tell any child that you don’t like your job, and the child would give the most logical answer, “then change it!”

After spending years in fields which I did not enjoy and where I didn’t feel that I was making the most of my potential, I think I’ve found the area that I like working in… Not-for-profits…Will I be in this field forever? I don’t really know, but I do know that I enjoy it for now…

It’s funny now that I have ‘grown up’, I’m trying to explore my creativity and set my imagination free (much more difficult now, after stifling it for almost 30 years); to appreciate nature, the mountains, the stars, and all the beauty around with wonder (everything I’ve ignored for so long, too caught up in the every day hustle and bustle of life); to live in the present moment, having total trust in the higher power; to be more honest and genuine; to say what I mean, and mean what I say… just like a child... When I ‘grow up’ I want to return to childhood…

The return of the Absent Minded Professor

I'm still laughing at myself, I can’t believe how forgetful i can be... Just as I was starting to congratulate myself for leaving my absent minded days behind me, the 'absent minded professor' struck again!...

Last Saturday was just another normal day, and as usual I took the garbage out after cooking lunch, and just as I went out and shut the door behind me, I realized that I forgotten my key! My apartment door locks as soon as the door is closed, so no key, no way of getting in, and I just stepped out, in what I was wearing at home, a pair of short shorts, sleeveless t-shirt and flip flops in which i had been cooking and cleaning the whole day (what a relief that it was not a cold day)! Now what? I have no phone, no money, nothing! It was just like in those funny comedies, where u lock yourself out in your pajamas but it wasn't a comedy, it was my life!

Anyway I had my extra key in office (just for times like these), but the problem was that I didn’t have the badge to get into office, and being a holiday there would be no one at reception, but as there was nothing else I could do (I already tried the concierge who was also out), I decided to go to my office and try my luck. At the entrance there were two guards. The first guard saw me from inside and looked suspicious, would have wondered what possibly this lady in shorts could be wanting! When he came out, I tried to explain in my broken French, about how I was locked out from my flat and that my extra key was in my desk. He didn't even smile, just said that we can't let you in if you have no badge! So I tried to explain, that the reason I had no badge was because everything was in my flat and that I could not get inside, then the other younger security appeared, he spoke English and looked sympathetic to my situation after I gave him my totally innocent lost look (well didn’t really have to act, I was!) and explained everything. I could see he wanted to help but the senior guard still said 'no'...

So just as i thought maybe I’ll have to barge into a friends place, stay overnight and go to work the next day and get the key, someone appeared from inside the office and I told him my problem and asked him if he would help me, but he was not from my office either but was visiting someone, so didn’t have a badge, but called his friend inside, who came down and showed his badge to security and let me in!

What a day! I finally got my extra key and was smiling all the way home, it just felt like I was in one of those funny TV programmes! Only thing missing was a ticket checker in the tram, as though I did have a season ticket for the month, it was also of course at home (thankfully none appeared)!

So at the end of the day I learnt, to always have a plan 'B' (I promptly replaced my key at office, would have been a much bigger disaster if I didn't have that extra key!), always check for the key when closing the door, and of course I learnt to laugh at myself, it always helps :)... Till next time I get absent minded and forget something again...

Are we humans really 'humane'?

Recently I watched the 'Reader' that got me thinking, it was so unbelievable how a seemingly 'nice' lady could have sent so many jews to their death, even if she wasn;t teh leader, just the fact that she admitted that they didn;t unlock the burning church with 200 jews, simply cos they didn;t want to free the prisoners. It was as if the orders she had received had taken over her conscience... and how many more were out there? not just the Nazis but also the discriminations against blacks, the genocides and all the other wars that rise out of either trying to lay claim to some piece of earth, or over the colour of the skin... why can;t we all live together, why do we all want to be superior, to have more than the others? What is in us that makes us want more than the other?

What could have caused, normal human beings to be so heartless? This also reminded me of the famous Milgram experiment where an experiment was conducted, with participants told that they are taking part in a memory experiment and that they are the 'teacher' and they must work with a 'student' in another room, whom they can hear but not see. The participants are told that they have to ask questions from the 'student' and for each wrong answer give an electric shock to the 'student' (this student is an actor and doesn;t really get the shock, but the participant believes that he does). In conclusion, most participants had continued to gve electric shocks higher and higher, even when they heard screams from the 'student' just because they were told to. More details can be found here here

That really freaked me out, would it b possibel that I could do a similar thing, where I would harm another, simply cos i was told to by an 'authority'? I really hope not! that;s just a very scary thought, that so many normal people had just done what the 'authority' asked without ever questioning whether they should, without really listening to their concience...

Humans are such a complex group... sometimes i think that the wild animals are less 'wild' and more 'humane' than the humans themselves, after all even the vicious animals like lions and tigers kill for food, not because they didnl;t like the stripes of the zebra or any such silly reason like that! So i'll finish the post with one of my fav songs the Animal Song Animal Song

"Animals and children tell the truth, they never lie
Which one is more human
There's a thought, now you decide
I wanna live like Animals careless and free..."

Arts or Sciences?

Being someone, who’s an engineer background, but realizing that I like the arts more and more, from singing, to acting to writing (not sure if I’m much good at these things, but I love them all the same :) ) I have sometimes wondered about it… specially about whether it was a right choice to give up engineering (I do use the analytical skills we learnt in engineering, but nothing technical), or whether I should have studies the Classics or Theatre… Sometimes, I feel a bit of a misfit not in either side…

But then I think, they are both essential for human existence.

Music, paintings, writing, acting are all very subjective disciplines, they sometimes give you a glimpse into the soul of the author…and can be perceived as either good or bad. I guess what brings joy to the creator of arts is knowing that what they have created can bring joy, or enlightenment or be thought provoking or ofcourse they could also influence violence, specially art forms such as Cinema…at the same time, they could easily go unnoticed…I think the biggest fear of any kind of creator of the art forms…
Sciences, can be more predictable the laws of physics are laws, but again the discoveries are nothing, if they cannot be utilized to improve human existence (or sometimes to destroy). Looking at all inventions and discoveries, where would we be without them? From computers, to television, to internet, to electricity. I guess it’s a mix of creativity and knowledge of the sciences.

In the older times, inventors were also artists or musicians, like Da Vinci, whose one of the most famous artists of all time, and at the same time, was an inventor and mathematician...so why don’t we have people like that anymore, most people are very much more focused into one area... is it the school systems that kill creativity? I was thinking of the same thing when reading the ‘little Price’ where he talks about how he liked to draw but since the ‘adults did not understand his unusual drawings, he just stopped completely, often when kids try new things, or different things, like colouring a tree red, you’d always have someone saying, but that is not in real life… so what? Look at most people who do become famous, they are those who go against the grain, for what they believe in. Ofcourse when I say go against the grain, you also have to think of morality, and that you are not harming yourself or others by doing so…

I will end this post with a lovely quote by Buckminster Fuller

"All children are born geniuses;9,999 out of every 10,000 are swiftly,inadvertently, degeniusized by grownups.”

Starry Starry Night 2...

Starry starry night...
paint your palette blue and grey
look out on a summer's day
with eyes that know the darkness in my soul.
Shadows on the hills
sketch the trees and the daffodils
catch the breeze and the winter chills
in colors on the snowy linen land.
And now I understand what you tried to say to me
how you suffered for your sanity
how you tried to set them free.
They would not listen
they did not know how
Perhaps they'll listen now...

This post is not a continuation of my previous Starry night post on Van Gogh, actually it's very different topic...

Since a couple of weeks ago, i have started hiking with a group of my colleagues from work every Thursday night after work. It's wonderful, cos the mountains are so close to Geneva, and we go there and hike for about 3hrs.

This week we headed out to Col de Marchairuz part of the Jura mountains. I was so impressed with the hike that I had to blog about it. We started during daylight hrs and climbed upto a peak by which time it was already dark, and we had wine and cheese under the stars it was so lovely...We also had two Border Collies in the group, who seemed to see us like a flock of sheep. It was hilarious, these two dogs kept, going to the front and back of the group to flock us together, pushing the people at the back to move faster!

But even with them, one of my friends and i still managed to get lost! Well not really lost, cos the paths are very clear, just stuck behind, cos we were so impressed with nature and what we saw. There were coloured wild mushrooms, and interesting looking bugs, wild berries, and it was very dark skies full of stars, so we kept stopping to admire nature, and the funny creatures that appeared in front of our flashlights on the way back! We even saw the milky way (or we think we did) which is why i put a pic of the milky way, and were singing 'starry starry night'... No moonlight, city lights or headlights, so we had a wonderful view of the night skies. It was lovely feeling lost in the wilderness, and i was reminded of the famous essay topic that we had to write when we were small, 'I got lost in the jungle'... We were so awe inspired we were actually discussing the meaning of our existance, and the possibility of aliens out there, among the many many stars! How often do you do that with your colleagues? Ofcourse we didn't figure it out...

I was just thinking that i really should make this a more regular outing, atleast when the weather is good, cos it seems that we have lost touch with nature. We are so 'busy' at work, at home, even our form of entertainment is usually technology related like TV. It's nice to get away from it all, during the week, and admire the wonderful nature around us, felt like a kid all over again...

Feedback Control

I’ve been thinking these days, about how we tend to define ourselves and what and who we are and how we should act expecting that it would bring us and others around us happiness (I guess if we try to summarize everything that we want to do and be, from success to family to love, in the end we’re all looking for happiness…true happiness which is not brought by riches or material things, but which is a state of mind, and I think all we do is to achieve that happiness in the end). This brought the analogy of feed back control to my mind (that’s the techy in me :) )…

‘Feedback control is a control mechanism that uses information from measurements to manipulate a variable to achieve the desired result. In feedback control, the variable being controlled is measured and compared with a target value. This difference between the actual and desired value is called the error. Feedback control manipulates an input to the system to minimize this error’ as per Wikipedia.

So comparing with that analogy initially we define ourselves, and think this is how we should be and act at certain situations (input), in order to achieve the desired result of ‘happiness’. But then sometimes, we suddenly come to contact with a completely different point of view or, see that what we thought all along, may not be right, that we will not achieve that ‘desired result’ if we continue in this way, then we have a tendency to overcorrect our ideas and our behaviors in the opposite direction, and go in that way... Just thinking about myself, I can see instances there I think that society or the world is so wrong, that I think I should be or do something in the total opposite way just to balance it.

The major difference between Feedback control and us though, is that we don’t always measure, or question our ideas, and go on in one direction, thinking that it is correct, until something awakens us up and makes us question about our view of the world and our selves.

It just reminded me to actually question myself and see whether I am going in the correct direction... Especially when we grow older, we tend to get set in our ways and stop questioning ourselves or looking at ourselves critically… this analogy just brought me back to remind me that we should always be learning, from life and from each other…

I think we should move like the damped oscillations in the diagram (for the nerds like me :) ) and keep swinging in the two directions, correcting ourselves, and learning along the way till we reach the ‘happy medium and ultimately, our desired result… :) ) Unless ofcourse if we could actually reach the desired result right away without all the oscillations (I guess Saints must be like that), but then that's not me...

The Little Prince

I never thought that a tiny children’s book could have this effect on me. The Little Prince by Antoine de Saint Exupéry was a book that was recommended by a colleague as a lovely children;s story but it has some very interesting observations about human nature.

It is about the lovely innocent world of little children, and how we forget all that imagination, the dreaming, the wonder that you have when you see a star, as we grow older and start thinking of “matters of consequence” as the book puts it…

Just made me think for a while, so what are all these matters of consequence? I guess this was what Jesus Christ meant when he said that you must be like a child to enter the kingdom of God, the simplicity, honesty, satisfaction with the small things, though we have all these fancy toys, most kids would be happy just playing outside with flowers or watching butterflies or birds… We’ve forgotten to see with the heart.

"It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye.”
“The men where you live,” said the little prince, “raise five thousand roses in the same garden– and they do not find in it what they are looking for.”
“And yet what they are looking for could be found in one single rose, or in a little water.”
“But the eyes are blind. One must look with the heart. . . ”

There were some other lovely quotes from the book.

"When you tell grown-ups that you have made a new friend, they never ask you any questions about essential matters. They never say to you, “What does his voice sound like? What games does he love best? Does he collect butterflies?” Instead, they demand: “How old is he? How many brothers has he? How much does he weigh? How much money does his father make?” Only from these figures do they think they have learned anything about him.
If you were to say to the grown-ups: “I saw a beautiful house made of rosy brick, with geraniums in the windows and doves on the roof,” they would not be able to get any idea of that house at all. You would have to say to them: “I saw a house that cost $20,000.” Then they would exclaim: “Oh, what a pretty house that is!”

"They are like that. One must not hold it against them. Children shouldalways show great forbearance toward grown-up people. But certainly, for us who understand life, figures are a matter of indifference."
This is sad but true, when it comes to value we often try to put a number on it. And the things are measured on how much they cost…

“I know a planet where there is a certain red-faced gentleman. He has never smelled a flower. He has never looked at a star. He has never loved any one. He has never done anything in his life but add up figures. And all day he says over and over, just like you: ’I am busy with matters of consequence!’ And that makes him swell up with pride. But he is not a man– he is a mushroom!”
How many people like this do you know? Well I was like that myself, you sometimes, keep working hard, morning, noon, night, come home late and happy that you did a lot of work, but is that life? People sometimes say stop wasting your time chatting or fooling around, and do some useful work, but I now come to think of it… the time you “waste” is the time you spend making friends, discovering and so on, so hey can you say it’s a waste of time.

Some more food for thought…
“And what good does it do you to own the stars?”
“It does me the good of making me rich.”
“And what good does it do you to be rich?”
“It makes it possible for me to buy more stars, if any are ever discovered.”
“How is it possible for one to own the stars?”
“To whom do they belong?” the businessman retorted, peevishly.
“I don’t know. To nobody.”
“Then they belong to me, because I was the first person to think of it.”
“Is that all that is necessary?”
“Certainly. When you find a diamond that belongs to nobody, it is yours.
When you discover an island that belongs to nobody, it is yours. When you get an idea before any one else, you take out a patent on it: it is yours. So with me:
I own the stars, because nobody else before me ever thought of owning them.”
“Yes, that is true,” said the little prince. “And what do you do with them?”
“I administer them,” replied the businessman. “I count them and recount them. It is difficult. But I am a man who is naturally interested in matters of
consequence.”

It ended with some lovely lines, which I thought how romantic…when the 2 friends part…
"All men have the stars, but they are not the same things for different people. For some, who are travelers, the stars are guides. For others they are no more than little lights in the sky. For others, who are scholars, they are problems. For my businessman they were wealth. But all these stars are silent. You– you alone– will have the stars as no one else has them–”
“In one of the stars I shall be living. In one of them I shall be laughing.
And so it will be as if all the stars were laughing, when you look at the sky at night. . . you– only you– will have stars that can laugh!”

Loneliness...

Since the day I came here, I kept thinking of Switzerland as the fairy tale country... But today I realised that everyones lives aren't always fairy tales here either.

Just this morning, while waiting for a bus I met this old gent (must have been around 80 years old), I smiled, and he started to talk to me, saying Bonjour and Ca Va, I said Oui Ca Va and he asked me about where I was going, I told him where, and then he asked me if I would like to have a coffee in a near by cafe with him, which took me by surprise, and I said 'no thank you' partly worried about missing my bus. Imagine how lonely he must have been to invite a perfect stranger, less than half his age, who could barely speak his language (I asked if he spoke English and he said no, so i continued the conversation in broken French) for a coffee. Later I wondered what if I just had the coffee with him and got a few mins late, I;m sure that would have brightened his day...but then I didn;t, and he thanked me for the chat and went on his way.

I guess one difference in our cultures is that the old are usually well respected and cared for by their children, but here most are living alone with their dogs to keep them company. As they say 'No man was built as an island to wonder through life alone'. It must be difficult to live alone specially after retirement, when you don;t meet many people, just living from one day to the next, knowing that the best days of your life are gone. I guess loneliness might be one of the sadest feelings, even poverty might sometimes be better, than feeling alone and unloved.

Later I was wondering what his story was, maybe I would have found out, had i joined the coffee...Maybe next time...

Just say 'Yes'!

After a long absence I finally started my Improv classes at CERN again, I had mentioned starting them last year, but have not been attending them for the last couple of months, cos first my parents were here, and then I had to move to a new flat and was extremely busy.

But yesterday I decided that I should go even though I was a bit stressed at work…or maybe because of it, cos improv gives me the chance to behave like a kid again! J

For those not familiar with improv, this link shows the kind of crazy things we do! Freeze is one of our favorite games that we play and it’s a load of fun!

The main concept of making improv work is ‘Just say yes!’ so no matter what your partner says, you should say yes and play along with the idea, and build it rather than arguing cos it’s funniest when you build the scene together rather than trying to break down the other person’s ideas, or bring other ideas cos then it doesn’t make a coherent story. This can be more difficult than it appears, simply cos usually as we start the scene we have already made this 3 act opera (as our instructor put it) in our head, and then if the other person does not do what we expect them to, we have the bad tendency of wanting to stick to our own initial idea, rather than validating the new one. Cos if one person says no and brings a new idea, then the second person would not want to agree with it and will continue with the initial idea, and in the end there is no story, so the improv does not work. I guess you could call it a team sport (the only one that I can play J) If you watch the video closely you can see how each person keeps saying yes even to the most ridiculous ideas, and it just makes it really funny.

I was just thinking that this is also very relevant to everyday life. Even in conversations, sometimes we have the bad habit of wanting to get our own thoughts and ideas, rather than listening to the other person. Saying ‘Yes’ to another persons ideas and listening can really show that we are interested in the other person and is a great way of building relationships! The other thing you can learn from improv is to listen without judging, cos everyone’s ideas are important, and that;s something that is very important in life cos when we listen without judging it helps the other person to be creative and expore an idea without being fearful of being ridiculed.

So as Kevin Hogan put it in his book 8 barriers to communication “People that don’t give us a chance, an opportunity to share and express ourselves, to be US, put out our spark, our flame. It is this spark, our spirit, this fire, this waterfall within us all that drives us, which makes us whole. This constant, ever changing flow of energy is what makes us, US. why not allow yourself to truly listen. Not just hear someone speak, but focus on listening to them, be in their shoes when they talk, see the world through their eyes, experience life from someone else’s point of view instead of being compelled to express your own.”

Temptation

I just finished reading the 'Temptation' by Douglas Kennedy about a screen writer who becomes famous and leaves his wife and kid for an actress and then everything falls apart for him as he;s accused of plagiarism... he finally gets it all back... Along the way there are many twists and a all powerful rich man trying to play 'God', and the writer falls in love with his wife. It was an interesting read.

The book ended with some food for thought...

"Daddy, she asked, 'can you tell the story without the big bad wolf?

I considered this for a moment, wondering how could I make it work:

'Let's see now.. there's a house made of straw. There's a house made of sticks. There's a house made of bricks. What happens next? Do they form, a residents' association? Sorry, sweetheart, the story doesn't really work without the Big Bad Wolf.'

Why doesn't it work? Because all stories are about crisis. Yours. Mine. The guy sitting opposite you on the train as you read this. Everything's narrative, after all. And all narrative - all storytelling - confronts a basic truth. We need crisis: the anguish, the longing, the sense of possibility, the fear of failure, the pining for the life we imagine ourselves wanting, the despair for the life we have. Crisis somehow let us believe that we are important; that everything isn't just of the moment; that, somehow, we can transcend insignificance. More than that, crisis makes us realize that, like it or not, we are always shadowed by the Big Bad Wolf. The danger that lurks behind everything. The danger we do to ourselves.

But who, ultimately, is the mastermind of our crisis? Who is the controlling hand? To some, it's God. To others, the state. Then again, it might be the person you want to blame for all your griefs, your husband, your mother, your boss. Or maybe - just maybe - it's yourself.

I guess sometimes we do seem to need drama 'good or bad' in our lives, or create it when it is non existent...which is unfortunately why most people aren't happy... there;s always that thing in the horizon that we would like to have and with which things would be perfect...so most of the time are unable to live in and enjoy the present moment... I guess i;m telling myself this while writing this...and the marketing campaigns and the commercials use this side of our human nature to their advantage, telling us how our lives will be perfect with that new car or luxury watch or other material thing, and we fall for them...

Sometimes feels like i;m living from one goal to another, waiting for something...but what happens after obtaining that goal? start waiting for something else?... So again I;m reminding my self that I should try to take one day at a time and enjoy and live in the moment...Have to keep reminding myself to enjoy the journey, cos happiness is the journey and not the destination!

Small things in Life...

Was feeling a bit down partly missing my parents who left last weekend after visiting me here for a couple of months, and also stressed out cos these days I am in the process of moving to a new flat and right now my whole body is aching cos I moved most of my things to the new place last evening after work. I am also cleaning the existing flat to make it spotless... and at work my biggest project is about to be released...

Anyway on the way home after going for a walk just to clear my mind i started humming 'What a wonderful world' to myself as I was looking at the trees of green, and the lovely flowers in bloom cos it's summer, and as usual smiled at this old man walking his cute dog (there are many kindly old people here in Geneva walking all sorts of dogs and who usually smile back and say 'Bonjour!' I guess cos in this culture children grow up and leave their parents very early in life and so the parents just take a dog for company).

This time he smiled back and said "Vous chantez bien!" I was taken aback, and at first didn;t understand what he said (my French is slowly improving, but still it takes a while to understand when someone speaks fast), so I replied "Pardon?" to which he said "Vous avez une belle voix" [you have a beautiful voice!] Oh then i realised he had just heard me humming, I didn;t think anyone could have heard it... It was funny how the unexpected complement from a stranger just made me smile and brightened my day.

That;s when I started to think how the small things in life can make a difference. Sometimes we wait to do big gestures of kindness, and say I'll feed the poor when i am much richer or I'll show appreciation to my parents after I can afford to give them a house or treat my husband or wife when i have enough money to take them on a trip around Europe and so on and so on, but the fact is, it;s the little things that often matter, things that can be done here and now, not when i have more time or money... cos that day 'when I have more time or more money' never really comes cos it's always relative. It's like the sign that says 'free beers tomorrow', and tomorrow never comes! So I decided to try to be nice to people even in small ways... who knows maybe the little act of kindness you show a stranger just might brighten their day!

I can see clearly now…

It’s amazing, after over 15 years of wearing glasses, I was finally able to bid ‘Adieu’ to them. I just got the LASIK (laser-assisted in situ keratomileusis) surgery done. It is a type of refractive surgery for correcting myopia or shortsightedness.

Basically what they do is open a flap from the cornea and then laser the cornea to remodel it and replace the flap, this diagram shows the basic steps of LASIK, I know it sounds really scary, and to be honest I was really anxious about it, cos after all it is the eyes and what do you do, if something goes wrong???? But after much consideration and research I finally decided to go ahead with it. You can read more about it on http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/LASIK

It was pretty strange, the whole thing was done in about 30mins (15min per eye including all preparations) They just put some anesthetic eye drops to freeze the eye before performing it, and it was so strange, cos I could see and feel and hear throughout and it was weird seeing equipment coming at your eyes initially but later I could only see the light, and it was not painful at all, just a bit funny cos I felt pressure on the eyes. Though my sight was blurry soon after the operation, I went home and had a nap of a couple of hours as they suggested, and when I woke up, it was like a miracle, I could see clearly!

What was funniest was the surgery discussions! The doc and nurses were talking about Shrek while lasering the eye! And one nurse said that she liked Donkey and doc laughed and told me ‘we like to keep the atmosphere light’ and I told him that I liked donkey too, to which the doc responded by saying in that case he will stop himself from saying something rude thing about Donkey! It was just hilarious thinking back!

These days (for first 2 weeks) I have to be a bit careful till the eyes completely recover and so have to wear these funny ‘Mad Scientist about to conduct a major chemical experiment’ like protective glasses, or Sun glasses if the light is too bright even inside, which a friend has started calling my ‘Stevie Wonder’ look and at night like a Fly with 2 funny bulging flaps on the eyes!

But other than that, everything is great! It’s wonderful waking up in the morning and being able to see without having to reach for the glasses (even the initial discomfort I felt seems to be gone)… I;m still getting used to seeing with my own eyes, sometimes when I go home after work, I think of taking off the contacts.

It’s a lot of small things, which I;m sure someone who has never had problems with sight wouldn’t have even noticed, like now I can sit at a comfortable distance from the computer, unlike before when I used to sit with my nose almost touching the screen when I was not wearing the contacts or glasses! And when I look out from the window near my desk I can see the mountains in the distance clearly.

It’s going to be great to go swimming next time cos I will actually be able to see from a distance and reduce the risk of bumping into people or having to suddenly move away after seeing someone come at you too late!

I still can’t believe it’s real! It’s amazing!

Is this real the end?

Sri Lanka without war… is that possible? I still can't believe that the war in Sri Lanka agaist the LTTE Terrorists which has been around for as long as I remember is over... I can't imagine Sri Lanka without the fear of bombs. Just before I came to Switzerland there were 2 to 3 bombs going off in the cities in buses and trains and places where the public gather and when i went to work i would not know whether I would come home alive. I guess this too was a major motivator for me to leave the country. It came to a point when another bomb goes off and we just call family and friends to make sure that they are all ok, and get on with life... but at the same time i guess it;s survival instinct too, cos if we were to worry every time a bomb went off we would go crazy.

A few days ago a couple of my Sri Lankan colleagues and I met up for coffee with one of our Indian guys after hearing that the government had gained control over the whole country and defeated the rebels. My Indian colleague was totally against the LTTE Terrorists as they murdered Rajiv Gandhi and according to him, India would be much more ahead in the world, were his life not brought to such an untimely end. I would not call it celebration though, cos it ended up us talking about our war related experiences in SL. One lady who’s brother had been an army officer spoke of how he had died in the war and what their family had gone through, she was also saying that for the first time she felt that her brother did not die in vain…another Doctor working with me at the Global Fund was talking about his experiences as the Army doctor and some really sad stories about soldiers never getting to see their kids and how the 2 years as an army doctor really changed his life, and we were all thinking about the possibility of peace for the first time …we were talking about all those brave men who died saving the country…these are people who love the country more than themselves and i really don;t know what motivates them to die for a country, for people they don;t know, and who don't really care about them most of the time...

I;ve been so away from SL and these experiences for a while I think it’s still sinking in…I see all the people in the IDP camps and I can;t imagine what life must be for them. I was watching news and how these people seemed to be reduced to numbers and statistics... do we ever see them as real people with thoughts and hopes and dreams and feelings? or just numbers? this is also something I wonder about in relation to my work, we talk about how many people on ARV, or on DOTS and so on, but do we ever really try to understand them or relate to them?

Recently I was taken aback when a colleague asked me "so what race are you? from the winning side or the losing side?" That just totally took me aback...but it;s not a war of Sinhala agaist Tamil, it;s a war of Sri Lanka agaist the LTTE terrorists...but that is when I realised that is how many people view the situation. This really got me thinking, the government may have taken control of the rebel held areas but can we say that the war is over really over? If we want ever lasting peace we need to have a change of attitude... this war started long ago due to the discrimination of Tamils and due to the actions of a few extremists... now is the time for all of us to put aside our differences and unite in rebuilding the country. I think we could really develop as a country if we could just learn to live in together in peace and treat each other equally.

Another problem I see in the way of peace between Sinhala and Tamil people is simply that we don;t understnd each other, we don't know each others languages...I'm embarassed to say that I barely know any Tamil, and now, living in Geneva know more French than Tamil. So I thought that I should learn Tamil myself. This was something I started to realise staying in Switzerland, there are 3 different nationalities French, German and Italian all living peacefully and they are all considered equals and most people can atleast speak one other language other than English.

As they say "evil exist when good ppl do nothing" so we can;t afford to turn a blind eye or just say that it;s the fault of our ansesters and there;s nothing we can do, 26 years of hurt and pain does not go overnight... One single person might not be able to change the attitudes of a whole nation, but I believe that each of us can help in bringing about peace, simply by treating each person we meet with respect and equality no matter what the ethinicity is and maybe we'll have touched a few lives and have changed a few attitudes simply by our actions...